Babble: GMing with Anxiety

 This post is probably not going to have a point and will be all over the place, but hopefully I will succeed in sticking, generally, to the title of it.

I struggle quite a bit with anxiety. Being among people sets it off, being alone sets it off, prepping for TTRPG games sets it off, not prepping for games sets it off. There are a multitude of triggers and most of the time I don't know why I am reaching for my anti-anxiety meds. 

Doing conventions and in-person games are thus particularly challenging for me because there you are under scrutiny and there's an expectation and performance anxiety and all that jazz. I find that running games online is my sweet spot because, while I still am in front of people, I'm not physically being under scrutiny and I can tell my brain to calm down. It doesn't mean I don't have anxiety when I run games, but it lessens the blow somewhat.

I wish I could say, after 10 years of GMing in some kind of capacity, the anxiety has waned, but I would be lying. Because in some ways, while related to the activity, anxiety is also its own beast that will take any opportunity to rear its head and take a bite out of you.

So what is this post about then if not a 'It gets better'?

In a sense it is that. A lot of people fear the GM's chair and wait until they are less afraid. The truth is that the victory is in fighting through the fear. The feeling doesn't get better, but you do. You become more competent at handling it.

I read a Joe Abercrombie book many, many years ago. And I can't find the quote so that's a sure sign that my brain has butchered it and stitched it together to make a different kind of sense. Essentially the concept was that courage was like a whetstone: with use and time, it becomes smaller. Meaning the older you become, the less geared you are towards doing daunting things. As someone who lives with anxiety, I certainly see the truth of that. Now, in my forties, I'm even more skittish than I was before.

I guess, in a sense, the ultimate message of this post is this: Don't wait to feel braver. Don't wait to feel more assured. Don't wait. 

You might feel braver and more assured - you're not me with my anxiety. You might find it in you to jump into the GMing seat after a pause. But you might never feel that assurance. And if you wait for that before you do anything, you're going to miss out on a very enriching experience.