Know your weaknesses - TTRPG babble

 I recently shared this with a friend and thought it is worth mentioning here as well.

As a GM, I have one big weakness that's very difficult to overcome: 

I am kind.

In the GM seat you sometimes have to take the role of adversary - the monsters are trying to capture/maim/kill the heroes and they're not going to pull their punches. Now, I am fortunate that my dice rolls are rarely deadly, but when they are, I sit with a real emotional conundrum of wanting my player characters to overcome whatever obstacle I've thrown at them. 

Last year, I did a Pugmire oneshot with friends - veteran and newbie players. The game was okay, there were a few mechanical snags that I hadn't foreseen and didn't know how to amend on the fly, but the biggest truthful critique I received from the encounter was "You're too kind."

I'm not competitive, and I think that also is the reason why my encounters are rarely deadly. It's difficult for me to think to 'win' even if for only the brief moment where I'm thinking like the villain.

Knowing your weaknesses is just as important as knowing your strengths. Because there's no way that you're going to balance and improve if you're not aware on what you should be working on.

So how does one stop being a kind GM? I have no friggen clue, but I am practicing by trying to distance myself emotionally from the fights my villains inevitably have against my players' characters. And it is something I feel like I should be working on. Not because I want to be a mean, old hag who makes players miserable, but because I had a few combat encounters where players were genuinely worried and triumphed and were beautifully rewarded for the tense encounter. That's something I'd like to see more of. But I don't believe in a GM bringing in Deus Ex Machina when things go poorly... it's either a win or a wash and that is always going to be a gamble.

 

Babble: GMing with Anxiety

 This post is probably not going to have a point and will be all over the place, but hopefully I will succeed in sticking, generally, to the title of it.

I struggle quite a bit with anxiety. Being among people sets it off, being alone sets it off, prepping for TTRPG games sets it off, not prepping for games sets it off. There are a multitude of triggers and most of the time I don't know why I am reaching for my anti-anxiety meds. 

Doing conventions and in-person games are thus particularly challenging for me because there you are under scrutiny and there's an expectation and performance anxiety and all that jazz. I find that running games online is my sweet spot because, while I still am in front of people, I'm not physically being under scrutiny and I can tell my brain to calm down. It doesn't mean I don't have anxiety when I run games, but it lessens the blow somewhat.

I wish I could say, after 10 years of GMing in some kind of capacity, the anxiety has waned, but I would be lying. Because in some ways, while related to the activity, anxiety is also its own beast that will take any opportunity to rear its head and take a bite out of you.

So what is this post about then if not a 'It gets better'?

In a sense it is that. A lot of people fear the GM's chair and wait until they are less afraid. The truth is that the victory is in fighting through the fear. The feeling doesn't get better, but you do. You become more competent at handling it.

I read a Joe Abercrombie book many, many years ago. And I can't find the quote so that's a sure sign that my brain has butchered it and stitched it together to make a different kind of sense. Essentially the concept was that courage was like a whetstone: with use and time, it becomes smaller. Meaning the older you become, the less geared you are towards doing daunting things. As someone who lives with anxiety, I certainly see the truth of that. Now, in my forties, I'm even more skittish than I was before.

I guess, in a sense, the ultimate message of this post is this: Don't wait to feel braver. Don't wait to feel more assured. Don't wait. 

You might feel braver and more assured - you're not me with my anxiety. You might find it in you to jump into the GMing seat after a pause. But you might never feel that assurance. And if you wait for that before you do anything, you're going to miss out on a very enriching experience.

Gaming Babble to note that I'm alive!

The first post for 2026 was not supposed to be coming out nearing the end of February, but here we are.

So this babble is probably going to be all over the place, but I am scatterbrained so it's fine.

What have I been playing on PC?

Aska

It is still in early access and definitely isn't a 'complete' game, but I really dig this game. I usually end up playing like an hour of it every two or three days and that consistency has meant that I've racked up quite a few hours of play time. People could argue that it is still very empty and I'd agree... that just means that there's more coming and honestly, I'm excited for it.

Foundation

I bought Foundation when it was still in early access and kinda forgot about it as they worked on their updates. It released it's 1.0 version in January last year and I decided to give it a go when a recent notification for update came up. I'm enjoying it. You have to think about how you want to build your town a little differently than one would in a game like Settlers and Banished. I play it when I want to relax and listen to music... which admittedly is quite frequently. I should be doing other things - more on that later.

StarRupture

Another early access game, this time by Creepy Jar - the makers of Green Hell which I've babbled about before. It feels like it took inspiration from Satisfactory as it is a factory-building and exploration game with a few other things that keep you on your toes. It's still early days and there are a lot of fixing that needs to happen to run the game smoothly, but it's going to be a fun one. The humour is there and the factory building aspect is fun. I always look forward to returning to my spaghetti-bowl base...

Battlefield 6

This is probably the game few people would imagine I'd play. I used to play the old single-player Call of Duty games and I didn't like the newer iterations and multiplayer. This is the first of the Battlefield franchise that I've played and there are elements that just spark a similar happy feeling. I'm not good at the game. My highest score is always how many times I've died. I don't know one scope from another or anything about gun stats, but that's not why I play the game. Sometimes it's just fun running and shooting the shit out of people while cackling a little crazily. This is my go-to game for that currently.

Don't Starve Together

After a very long break, I've restarted playing DST and playing it with friends even! It's still a brutally difficult game for me, but I love the art style, I love the humour, I love the characters and the challenge. And even though I die frequently, I find the game mostly relaxing. I have babbled about Don't Starve in the past, but basically it is a survival game where darkness means death and starvation is always around the corner. The beautifully twisted Tim Burton-esque art style keeps you entertained while you learn how to survive the different seasons, the different biomes, and the critters you encounter.

I've had this game for years, I've been playing it for years, I have yet to survive a game 'year'. I think my record was 48 days or something.... haha!

It is the game I turn to when I'm in the mood for a challenge with amusement laced in between. 

Satisfactory 

Satisfactory is a factory-building and exploration game that I've babbled about before. I've dumped so many hours into this game from early access to official release and it's almost always installed on my computer. My current playthrough is promising. I might just complete the game this time... but it's slow going. The problem is that it's about automation a lot of the time and while I understand that notion, I find it very difficult for my brain to really plan things in a way that makes it possible. So instead of being outside of the spaghetti conveyor belts and machines, my pioneer is one with the spaghetti, feeding into machines and making sure that everything works... well... reasonably.

That's a lot of gaming... what else am I up to?

Well, predictably, I've been running D&D and ToV (Tales of the Valiant) games. 

Oh! I'm so happy Level Up Store has begun stocking Tales of the Valiant books! As far as I know this is the first and only place where you can get these books in South Africa.

I currently have two dedicated campaigns that I'm running:

• My TNO homebrew for the North American crew is going really well. It's a big group of people, which can be a bit daunting as I've never had as big of a crew at one gaming 'table' but I love the stories that are coming from their characters.
• The Dragon Heist game that I started last year is still running. We're about a third into the game with the extra padding provided by the Alexandrian Remix. We've had a lot of player shuffling which does bring a challenge because now half of the people playing weren't there when the foundation for the intrigue-heavy game was laid, but we're navigating that alright. Fortunately I know the game so well after having run it so many times that it's not so much of a challenge to prep for it.

Along with running two dedicated campaigns, I also run oneshots of different games. I would like to do that more for systems like Tales of the Valiant, and Fantasy Age. But one thing at a time.... or a few (other) things at a time. haha.

Okay, that's a LOT of gaming.

Yes, I know. My plate is full up again. In among the games, I do life things - mostly consisting of work and sleep... haha.