I'm breaking my rule today...

... usually I confine this blog to being a geeky only blog but I feel passionate enough about this particular cause to go against my usual inclination.

This picture was taken March of 2019... and as content as I may seem in it, I was waiting to be admitted into a mental health facility.

I was having a really rough time. My circumstances had not changed in years but I had become tired of them. Soul tired. It got to the point where I chose to forego taking sleeping meds because I was too tempted to overdose. 

After some discussions with my mother, I contacted my psychiatrist and explained the problem. Clearly the medication I was on for my bipolar depression and situational depression wasn't being effective, but I had also just lost the will to combat the overwhelming exhaustion and despair that I was submerged in. He agreed that some time away would probably be the best and so we started the process of getting me admitted.

This brought a problem with work and social obligations. In both situations, my peers were completely unaware that it was a problem. I had one work colleague that knew I had some challenges, but didn't know I was in distress. I had colleagues who looked down on mental health issues as weakness, as not being strong enough, and of course the gossips who would just eat this up. Social obligations were basically my Friday D&D... which I felt at the time was my one ray of light in the week. I felt that I didn't want to just disappear with them thinking I was disinterested or something.

So I told my friends the truth, because my real-life deception score is pretty poor. And they leapt into action. The following week while I waited for a bed was spent taking me to the beach, giving me ice cream, taking me out for coffee, feeding me all kinds of fattening things, and just giving me something I didn't have up to that point (or that I didn't know I had): Social support.

It took a week and a half for a bed to be available at the mental health place... and that time was enough for me to get back on my feet. Yes, I was still in distress. No, it would take a long time for me to recover completely (years, in fact). But the immediate "I want to die right now" storm had passed. So when the bed was finally available, I declined going. 

I will be honest and say part of me wouldn't want to go there because I was raised in a world where mental health was tremendously stigmatised. But I am grateful that I (1) had the opportunity to go if I needed to and (2) was okay enough to decline the opportunity.

So why did I decide to share all this? Because today, 10 October, is World Mental Health Day and the best way to help sometimes is raising awareness, by being a bit more open than we usually are.

Streaming Thoughts and Plans

 It's been a while since I've done a stream on Twitch. I am planning to get back to it but I needed to take a break for a bit. That sounds dire, but honestly it wasn't for any negative reasons - all good ones, actually. Life just got very busy and there were things I've been waiting most my life to do which I got to do. So yay. 

But seeing as this isn't a life blog, I shan't go into too many details of the above. Suffice it to say that I am on a break and will return to trying to stream on a weekly basis when I feel like it. Which at this point is probably November, but no promises.

It does bring the question: What will I be streaming? I have ideas...

One of the games I'll definitely be playing on stream will be Satisfactory. It finally got it's 1.0 release after many years of being a delightful Early Access game and I haven't had the chance to dig into it yet. So I'm going to excitedly play that.

For those who don't know, Satisfactory is a first-person factory-building and exploration game where you're set on a planet to gather resources and build factories for items that the people off planet are looking for. 

It's the only factory game I've really gotten into and I enjoy it quite a bit. I will be trying to build less spaghetti-like factory lines this time around but there are no guarantees. I'm far too used to just running and jumping and sliding around, over, and under my mess of conveyor belts. If I haven't gotten organised in the 285 hours I've already spent on it, there's is virtually no chance that I'll magically bring order to chaos this time around.

Another game I will be eager to get back to is Aska. Another major update is scheduled for 14 October and, from what I've played in the game in general, I'm excited to see what the developers come up with.

I haven't babbled about Aska yet, but will in time when I've formed enough to say something about it. In short, it is a third-person settlement builder with strong Viking themes. There are some micromanaging things that need to be smoothed out. I can't jump every time a villager doesn't have a tool. But other than that, the bit that I've played it has been really good.

There is and always will be my D&D prep of creating maps on stream. Those will come in on sporadic bursts but I always have something I need to desperately work on, especially since running D&D games also was something that took a break. And I'm very glad for that break. But I've also become quite lazy because of it so catching up to the pace I need to prep things at to continue my DMing spree is going to be a challenge.

Another thing I want to do is a creative challenge. I don't exactly what I am going to do for this but I am leaning towards running a solo Starforged game. That's going to be super challenging because the setup prep is relatively easy to do. The actual playing, on the other hand, gets tricky.